“We can give you medication or remove the tissue in the hospital.”
“Which is better?”
The brightly lit room with yellow overhead lights seared into my memory. The beige countertops that matched the upper cabinets directly across from us, and the fake terrazzo laminate flooring lacked a sense of comfort or belonging.
Somber
I could feel the weight of my partner’s soul as he stood behind me. I refused to talk or make eye contact. Feeling his watchful eyes was enough, because I wasn’t ready.
Our doctor advised that medication for home was less risky. Thinking nothing much of it, I agreed. We dashed out of the room. I could sense my partner longing to hold my hand or rub my back, so I kept a few paces ahead of him instead.
The metal doors swung open, and I could feel the gentle touch of the sun’s rays across my face. The subtle reminder of autumn could be noticed from the beginning of fall foliage. The leaves of the oak trees that lined the parking lot.
Faster. Faster. Faster.
All that could fill my thoughts was flight. My chest felt tight. My lungs felt like fire. I couldn’t get to the car faster, but it seemed like forever.
Beep, beep, click
He opened my car door. Breathe, Kate, Breathe. After stepping inside, he closed the door and reentered on the driver’s side.
Puzzled. Lost in thoughts and deciding on what to say. We had never been in this situation before. Our daydreams of a future baby had ended, and it had ended a week prior without knowing. It was a missed miscarriage. My body didn’t want to give it up.
“Kate, how are you feeling?”
Devastated.
Tears filled my eyes to the brim. Countless questions and thoughts raced through my mind. I couldn’t say anything. I was at a loss of words. After a few silent moments went by, a comforting arm reached over for a hug before driving off.
I sat in silence and watched nature’s beauty along the way home. An orange hue began to kiss the tops of leaves. Ponds with a beautiful sapphire gradient. Intrusive thoughts began to distract me. I couldn’t help but think, is this my fault? Did I do something wrong? Will my partner blame me?
Later that night, we cried together in the living room of our one bedroom apartment. We held each other as we caught up on a Gordon Ramsey show. Friends would check in on us, and then we would cry again. This repeated until we fell asleep.
We were supposed to go hiking with close friends, one who was almost halfway through her first pregnancy. But our unexpected change of plans kept us from attending. And honestly, I felt too embarrassed and blamed myself for the turn of events.
Clutching the bottle with two pills, I placed it on top of my dresser. The bedroom lights turned off. I stared at the bottle as moon’s light illuminated it through our bay window.
Tomorrow will be the day.
Dear Rosita 