For most of my life, I have been a mediator and the ultimate people pleaser. I found happiness to see other people happy at the expense of my own. September of 2020 is when my life changed.
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The humming of the AC sent chills down my spine. A dark, sterile room made bright with flickering lights from equipment. Globs of cold gel haphazardly placed on the probe.
Deep Breath
I noticed her tense body language through the blue surgical mask. I gathered clues from the monitor as the she collected measurements. With a switch of the audio turned on, the technician became frantic.
Nothing. Nothing was audible.
Assessing the situation, I found myself deescalating an ultrasound technician who couldn’t find a heartbeat for our baby. Finally, she shrieked and abruptly shouted “there’s no heartbeat!” before storming out of the room and slamming the door on her way out.
My partner, just as stunned as me, waited for my reaction.
I didn’t know what to say.
I wiped the excess gel and quickly got dressed. Shame consumed me as I sat in silence. Moments later, a nurse came in and escorted us into the doctor’s office down the hall. In an adjacent room, I glanced in to see our technician frantically speaking to my doctor. As for me, I was numb. I had to make a decision, hospital or home. Little did I know, this would be the first of many losses.
Grief became an unwavering mentor. It taught me to value my own happiness and to put me first. Others’ expectations or thoughts about me lowered in importance.
Almost exactly 3 years later, our little girl was born. I cherished every single moment and not once took it for granted. She gifted me with the perfect pregnancy.
As I think of possibly closing this chapter in my life, sadness and relief come to me.
What will be, will be.
I am so thankful for all of the incredible women who I’ve met on this journey. I am so thankful for the unwavering support system of my husband, family, and close friends. And I am thankful for the smallest, random acts of kindness from strangers.
And a special thanks to anyone who has shared their journey. I have been and will always be cheering you on.
“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.” — Booker T. Washington
Dear Rosita 